Always and Forever
Oct 17, 2021 4:43pm
You used to say I was the strongest person you knew. That I had the strength and patience of a Russian Tiger. That it would take a hell of a lot for me to just break down.
Oh, if you could see me now – hurling through space in a windowless box little larger then the size of our closet.
Tell the children mommy loves them. And I am so sorry.
Will they ever forgive us?
I love you so much.
Oct 21, 2021 11:53am
So here I am, still in pieces. It took four days for the energy panels to recharge. I guess that was about four months you didn’t hear from me.
I’m so sorry.
I took the time to go over the manuals on the computer again. A lot of it is simply over my head. Most of it is in that high level science jargon that I teased you about over dinner, with the complicated, self important names for everything. I look at it, and I think of you and my children, and it’s not so funny anymore.
I’ve listened to some of the recordings you gave me. I keep playing the ones where the children are laughing. Remember when they found our cat sleeping in the pile of leaves in the backyard. And when the baby ran and grabbed for the cat, it jumped five feet in the air, the leaves flying up with her. And the baby laughed and laughed and laughed while the leaves rained down all around her.
I can’t believe that was two weeks ago.
I’ll never see my baby again. I won’t be able to hold her, or sing her songs, or smile and nod while she tells me a long story in her babble talk. I won’t be there to see my son grow into a man.
I’ve left my son. I’ve left my daughter. I’ve left you.
Is it worth it, John?
November 1st, 2021 8:37pm
It took even longer for the panels to recharge. I must be pretty far from the sun, I wonder if I’m out of our solar system yet?
The navigational and systems computer was locked and the password was not any of the ones listed in the manual. I’m guessing Meredith changed it before she was hurt. It’s just like her to be so protective about information security, and then get herself shot preening in another goddamn parade.
I transmitted my lack of passwords to WISA. Hopefully, I’ll get a response before the end of my mission, hehe.
Not that it matters too much, since I’m only here to push a button. A button. I’m missing my children growing up to push a GODDAMN BUTTON!
I spend a good part of my days staring hatefully at that button.
I’m going to end on a positive note. My energy allocation for the personal correspondence is almost ended. It will probably be a year or so before the next one reaches you.
I love you so much. But… I want you to think about remarrying, (there, I said it). The children need a mother and you need a partner.
I recorded a couple of songs for the baby. Be sure to tell her mommy loves her.
November 27, 2021 4:35am
I received a message from WISA today. Which means the sons of bitches must of sent it out before I left.
They told me – they told me that they had made a “miscalculation”. That the return trip will not take three months. The return trip will take two years.
Did you know about this? Is this why you looked at me, right before I went in this box. When you took my hand and you looked at me like I was already a ghost, like I was already a hundred years gone and unreachable, a foreshadow of spirit and time.
But, John, I was standing right there. Why didn’t you tell me?
“It’s for our children’s children”, you said about this project. “Seeding a new world that will replace this dying one is our only chance for survival.”
And then Meredith was shot and you went quiet for days.
You came to me and said it was a great sacrifice. A role only I could fill in such short a time. That we had only days to decide before the window was closed for good.
Our world needed hope and I was her. The great hope. The button pusher.
I have to believe you didn’t know.
But you designed this mission, John. How could you not of known?
December 2nd, 2021 12:02am
I got your message. The message you sent the minute this box left the atmosphere. You ask for forgiveness. You say words like “panicked” and “optimal replacement” and “only viable hope”.
But I just see your eyes when you let me go. When you say, “I’ll see you in a few years” and you lie to me. Your last words to me are lies.
And now, the only true words I hear from you are this: 221 years to get home.
December 8th, 2021 3:58pm
Happy Birthday Sweetheart!
I know, I’ve must of missed quite a few birthdays, but to me, this is your second birthday! I love you soo much. I’ve sent a recording of me singing your favorite silly songs. I bet you’re a big girl by now, and I’m so proud of you. You are so special, and I will love you for ever and ever and ever.
Love Always and Forever,
December 24th, 2021 10:57pm
How many Christmases did I miss? I hope in each one, you remember you sent your wife out alone, with no home to return to. With no family to love her.
Do the children remember me? Or am I a ghost to them, too?
January 26th, 2022 1:06 am
There’s something wrong with the ship. I heard a sharp noise, and a loud wrenching sound. The energy panels are charging half as well as they did before. I checked the systems computer and it seems we have slowed down.
From what I can guess, for you it’s been about eight years since I left. I don’t even know if I should be writing to you anymore, perhaps you’ve remarried, or just… moved on.
I want you to know, I forgive you. I know why you did this. I know I was the last chance, the only one who was familiar with the ship and was small enough to fit in this coffin for so long.
John, I forgive you.
I hope this new world we find is worth it. I really do.
Give the children my love.
February 3rd, 2022 6:14pm
Do you remember the time we went for a walk in the park, and Jeffrey was convinced he saw a buffalo up on the hill. It was when he was reading all those Cowboy John books. And you grabbed him by the hand and snuck up the hill on your bellies, trying to surprise the buffalo. And Jeffrey kept giggling at the mud on your nose and the wild nature British accent you were talking in. Remember how you crawled the last bit on your hands and knees, with Jeffry on your back, riding you like a horse. And you pretended to get scared, and galloped away, down the hill, your feet and hands barely keeping with your momentum. And Jeffrey laughed and whooped and began whipping your tush with this branch he somehow gotten ahold of.
Oh John, the look on your face.
That is my happy memory for today. I just wanted to share it you.
All my love to Cara and Jeffrey.
March 16th, 2022 3:06am
Happy Birthday, Jeffrey!
My little man. You are so precious, with the greatest adventurous spirit and a fine sense of humor. Do you remember the joke book you carried everywhere we went? You were so proud when you realized you could make people laugh. You would memorize riddles and jokes and tell it to every person who looked your way. My little charmer, you always had a crowd.
I wrote you another story, it’s about a bird who swims home.
I love you, Always and Forever
April 22nd, 2022 4:52pm
I see the new world. And it is beautiful! Pushing “The Button”, now!
April 23rd, 2022 3:23am
I can’t take another two years alone in this box. I can’t bear the thought of laying there, day after day, while my children, and my children’s children, grow old and die.
There is no reason to go back.
I found the other button – the one that allows for release. The one I saw you add to the schematic the day before I left.
Remember John, I forgive you. And I do love you.
Give all my love to our children.
Always and Forever,